Ten years ago I wrote a strange little book called Luke and Me: The Healing Power of Play, Imagination, Storytelling and Love. I gave a copy to different people and got back very different reactions; this book impacted each one in some way according to who they were, their frame of reference. It was weird and cool. One person wanted to marry me – we had only met a week before. I didn’t marry him but I enjoyed his response. One person said nothing – he was mentioned in the book and I thought he would love it and I still don’t understand his reaction. I asked him if he had read it and he said yes and that was it. One person despised me after reading it. I had given it to him because he had said something about committing suicide. I wasn’t sure if he meant it but I had had some suicidal people in mind when I wrote the book and the book is meant to encourage all of us to keep going. His comment, spit out with contempt, was that I have a very vivid imagination. I took that as a compliment but also felt sad for him. He didn’t commit suicide. One person told me that I had been very brave to write the book and that he loved it. I wondered about that. I didn’t feel brave when I wrote the book. I just had to write it. Another person told me that my book inspired him to write his book. That gave me joy!
I look back at my book when I am feeling scared and unsafe as I do this morning with the news that Trump has bombed Iran, and I reassert my beliefs – war is not the answer. I re-commit to not being part of any fear-based psycho-social energy or any kind of “othering”. I re-commit to “the mighty kindness”, to love, not fear, even as I hear the voices of others calling me stupid, naïve, not rooted in reality. There is a lot of reality to be rooted in and I am rooted in the reality that most people in the world all want the same basic things – a safe place to raise our children, a place where all can reach and thrive and grow and develop their gifts, talents and abilities, where all can flourish.
The leaders who are full of hate and death and destruction are making decisions for the rest of us. I work with people. All kinds of people, and I have travelled a lot and I believe that I know what is in the hearts of the majority. These leaders have no right to take us all down with them, to risk the obliteration of us all in a nuclear war.
Today we seek a solid, steady ground on which to stand, a place of calm and connection. That ground is faith, hope, love, humility, forgiveness, peace, and knowing and protecting what really matters. In my book I encounter a white sasquatch in the wilderness and he leads me back to “a knowing what we really know” – that we all need family and community in order to become our best and most fulfilled selves, and that beyond this there is a lot we don’t know and there is a lot to learn in this magnificent life, and that we must keep our hearts open. The white sasquatch leads our hero/heroine back to the awe and mystery that is Life.
After writing this book my daughter reminded me of a story I had shared with her when she was young, that as a very young child when I had watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for the first time that the first scene with the Bumble before he had lost his teeth had so terrified me, in a way I had not experienced before – but that it had impacted my world view greatly when, after his teeth were pulled, he became a friend to the others. She suggested that he was the inspiration for Luke, the white sasquatch, and that makes sense to me. With this in mind I wrote the end of the book.
“And then, perhaps we discover that the monster of our childhood nightmares lives right down the street in that relatively small stretch of forest, or even in our own backyard, and that he is not unlike us. He is playful and loving and caring and kind. How is this possible? How has he stayed hidden for so long and what does he need from us? He could so easily destroy us, but he chooses not to.
And that gives me hope.”
A few weeks ago my little sister died. She was my step-sister; our parents married when I was almost 18 and she had just turned 16. When our parents divorced something like 15 years later I slowly lost touch with my step-family, but Tracy reached out a few years ago through Facebook and we had shared brief messages with one another. I wanted to have a big conversation with her, but I put it off and then she died. The news came as a shock to me, but what I learned at her funeral is that she had known a few years ago that her health was not great and she had deliberately reconnected with many people from the various chapters of her life, and she had prepared for all of us a huge celebration! It was unbelievable, this funeral, that became a time of reconnecting, renewal, and remembrance of what really matters. It was wonderful to hear many stories of her life, and I know that she is smiling down on us all.
Since the funeral I have had a song playing over and over in my mind, one I used to play/sing often in church and at funerals and various other occasions. It was written by John G. Elliott and made famous by Ricky Skaggs and it’s called “Somebody’s Prayin’” and these are the words:
“Somebody’s Prayin’. I can feel it.
Somebody’s Prayin’ for me.
Mighty hands are guiding me to protect me from what I can’t see.
Lord I believe. Lord I believe.
Somebody’s prayin’ for me.
Angels are watchin. I can feel it.
Angels are watching over me.
There’s many miles to go ‘til I get home
Still I’m safely kept before your throne.
Lord I believe. Lord I believe.
Angels are watching over me.
Well I’ve walked the barren wilderness where my pillow was a stone
And I’ve been through the darkest caverns where no light had ever shown
Still I went on ‘cos there was someone who was down on their knees.
Lord, I thank you for these people. Praying all this time – for me.
Somebody’s prayin. I can feel it. Somebody’s prayin for me.
There’s many miles ahead til I get home
Still I’m safely kept before God’s throne.
Lord I believe. Lord I believe.
Somebody’s prayin’ for me. Somebody’s prayin’ for me.”
 
I know this, that today somebody’s praying for me. I can feel it.
Please know this! Today I am praying for you!

​Our truest nature

Is it anger, victimhood, comparison, blaming, feeling sorry for ourselves and constantly battling negative thoughts?

No, I don’t think so. I think that these are reactions to a life that is sometimes really hard and really unfair. A life that really hurts, and not one of us is immune to life’s challenges.

Each of us gets to choose our reactions, our responses. This is one thing we do have control over. Life is a series of decisions about the story we will tell ourselves, the things we will believe to be true.

According to “America’s Life Coach” Martha Beck, “Your true nature loves things for their capacity to bring genuine delight, right here, right now. It loves romps, friends, skin contact, sunlight, water, laughter, the smell of trees, the delicious stillness of deep sleep.”

What does your true nature love? Think on these things.

My true nature loves the unabashed laughter of my darling little granddaughters, the precious hug from my 96-year-old mom and the softness of her hair on my cheek, the genuine smiles on the faces of my son and his family standing in the wilds of Alaska where they now live, the sound of excitement in my daughter’s voice as she shares stories of the life she has built for herself in another country and culture, the awe and wonder I feel when listening to my other daughter’s musical creations, the confidence emanating from my client’s whole being as they discover new ways of understanding, the strength returning to my body and soul as I move and explore the local wilderness and spend less time behind my desk at my in-home office, the deer, owls, eagles, hawks, rainbow pools, coyotes, bear and moose I catch glimpses of on my hikes, the sounds of guitar and voice and gratitude I feel for having been born into a family that cherishes music.

In addition, each of us chooses our companions along the way and each of us is influenced by our companions’ choices. “Flocking” may be a trauma response, along with fight, flight, freeze and fawn, and it may lead to “othering” and closing our minds to “the other”. We can get pulled into a crowd that builds an identity around anger, victimhood, comparison, blaming, and feeling sorry for ourselves, and sharing negative thoughts and attitudes. This is understandable but it is not healthy to stay in this energy. Sometimes we are born into our flock, and sometimes we choose it. Flocks may make us feel “right” and “better than”.

If you feel this in your bones and you feel that there is a better way, you can open to curiosity, and to the logic that none of us chose the families or situations we were born into. Blaming others for differences over which they had no control is not healthy.

I choose communities of others who are open, curious, empathic, compassionate and growing, not stuck in unhealthy stories.

​Choose growth. Choose healing. Choose your path of health and well-being.

​                                                          "Tell me your truth!"
 
In my work in couples counseling I hear this often, but what does it really mean, what is the other person really asking? The last time I was asked this it was a demand, spoken in anger as a challenge - tell me your truth - and I spun off in my thoughts like this - "My truth? Tell you my truth? I don't even know what my truth is in this moment - I am angry and hurt and terrified and spinning and holding in what I am feeling. Whatever I tell you right now, will it be my truth?  I need time to find my own truth - meaning what is really me. Is this really me? My hurt feelings and anger? Yes, in this moment this is what I am truly experiencing, but is this my truth? I don't think so.
 
What is my truth?
What is the truth?
Is there a difference?
What is it that you are really asking me?
 
I see in my mind's eye a me in this emotionally chaotic moment who is sputtering, struggling to tell you my truth, coming up with some words, and you pointing your finger at me in response - "See? I told you so!" Blaming, accusing, proving your own point.
 
So I scream out in my mind "Screw you and your truth! You don't know what I know and you don't know that I know that you are not telling the truth!"
 
Some part of me will then remind me that I don't know that. I think it is true. I could make that my truth and call you a worthless piece of whatever, and we could stand firm in our separate truths and self-righteousness and aloneness. And if one of us can't tolerate this separation they will give in to the other's "truth". They will self-abandon and the relationship will suffer, probably in silence.
 
Instead, I want to take space to find my truth which I will hold loosely as I seek to know what is true, and then I really want to talk to you and find healing between us, which will be possible if you are willing to let go of your tight grip on your truth.
 
Finding what is the truth, if this is even possible at all, takes time, humility, and an honest desire to listen and hear one another - to understand each one's perspective, to admit that we may have this wrong, until we hear from the other, and they hear from us. This takes great love and great patience.
 
This is hard enough in couple's counseling when we are dealing with two people caring enough to enlist the help of a third - two people who want healing and understanding. It is harder in family therapy, and it is harder in a community, in a nation, and then hardest when it comes to the world, but I believe that this is the way forward. Each one's "truth" is actually each one's perspective, and the story we are telling ourselves, out of which come our feelings and thoughts and actions. We come closer to the actual truth when we are honest with ourselves, when we have awareness around why we tell ourselves the things we tell ourselves that we call our truth, and when we openly share and listen to one another, seeking what is true in honor of healing the rift between us.
 
This is how we heal the world...this is a great work. It is not easy, but it is important now - more than ever with our current capacities to destroy it all, take us all out, almost with no effort, blinded by and empowered by what we call "our truth". There is your truth and there is my truth and there is The Truth, which we can get closer to by sharing our truth, listening, validating each one's perspective, improving communication, apologizing, forgiving, deepening connection worldwide.
 
We also have that capacity these days - for worldwide communication in real time to accomplish this difficult and challenging process.
 
And so, I still have hope, and I hope that you do, too!


​

I am developing a new program that I call "The Hero's/Heroine's Journeying to Weight Loss and Better Health and Well-being", and I am looking for ten clients who would like to give it a try at a special introductory price!  This will be a six month program that costs only $300/month, or $1500 if paid in full (that is a savings of $300).  The program consists of two hour-long sessions per month by phone with me, and then unlimited support through a private Facebook Group! 
 
I believe that a weight loss journey can be a very heroic adventure when approached holistically, addressing causes of weight issues in spirit, mind and body.  In this program I will help you sort out all of the diet and lifestyle change information you have heard and help you discover what works best for you.  You will learn to listen to your own body and understand what you need to be and feel your best, and you will undoubtedly be surprised at what, together, we discover. This program has the potential to help you get to a point at which you no longer even worry about your weight any more.  Imagine being free of all that stress!  You will feel so much more confident in your own skin, you will feel lighter and healthier and more vibrant, and you will be able to stop wasting money, time and life energy for the rest of your life wondering why you gain weight, why you can't take it off, why a diet that worked for your best friend doesn't work for you, and what is really going on.  
 
I have been developing this program for quite some time and I am really excited to get started with some courageous and motivated clients!  My approach is gentle and loving but intelligent and informed - I have been where you are, I understand the frustrations of being obsessed with weight loss, and I love having the freedom I have now to live without what I will call "weight anxiety".  Releasing weight anxiety will also result in better overall health and well-being, better sleep and vitality, and more time to do what really matters.

​Yesterday a friend of mine from long ago posted a song of his on YouTube that I had played on – it was my first time into a real recording studio.  My fingers used to freeze in my own living room as soon as I turned on the tape player, so this was a big deal.  I had practiced and practiced and I was so ready, only worried about the mental game.  We did two takes.  What an experience – I wish everyone could do this. After I had finished what I was supposed to do and what I had practiced, the engineer continued the music and asked me, through my headphones, to improvise on the end.  I had relaxed considerably, having finished what I was there to do, so I went with it.  What I did wasn’t brilliant – on the fly all I could come up with was so simple.  But in the end, the work I had practiced got cut and what I had improvised, in my relaxed, “this doesn’t matter” state was saved for the final recording…
 
The point is this. When we are stressed, or in fight or flight, what we produce has that energy around it.  Our best work comes from a state of peace.  

​So, like Elijah in the wilderness, you are being asked – who are you?  What is for you here?  Who are you here?  In the fragile silence of the desert you are being asked – who are you when and if you are not your achievements or your titles or your roles or your possessions or your bank account?  When your children have moved on and your parents have died, who are you?  Who are you when you are no longer getting report cards and winning awards?  Who are you when no one knows who you used to be?  Who are you when all that matters to you is finding shelter and food and water? Do you know?  Who are you here and what is here for you in this place?
 
What is here for you is Stillness.  What is here for you is Love.
 
That is all.
That is everything.
 
Who are you when all there is is Stillness, when all there is is Love?
 
You are Stillness.
You are Love.
 
You are all.
You are everything.
That is all you are, always.

​I am in Vermont, about 90 miles from the Canadian border, on my way home from an orientation weekend at UVM where my son will be a freshman in the fall.  It’s 2004.  I am about to pull on to Route 91, going south.  I yawn as my son sleeps in the seat next to me.
 
Traffic slows.  What’s this?  Armed guards?  Weird. I watch as the cars in front of me slow down and then are waved through.  I feel nervous.  Should I be? I pull up to the man in the uniform with the gun.  Where have I seen this before?  Oh yeah, Yugoslavia.  1985.
 
He doesn’t wave me through. He signals to roll down my window. My anxiety moves up through my legs, into my stomach.  What is this?
 
I roll down my window. He looks at me for several seconds.  I wait. My mind races.  Then he speaks.
 
“State your citizenship,” he says.
 
State my citizenship?  In the middle of Vermont?  Seriously, what?  I try not to laugh.  I think of a joke.  “Wow.  I heard you folks in Vermont are tough.  I’m so sorry, I am a citizen of Massachusetts, but my son is attending UVM in the fall.  That’s him sleeping over there.  We’re almost Vermonters!”  Instead I look at him, my eyebrows go up, I try not to smirk, and I say, “So you mean as in U-ni-ted Ssss-TATES?” He tells me to pull over.  Uh oh.
 
My son awakens and asks me what is going on.  I tell him I don’t know.  Other vehicles are waved on to freedom.
 
More men in uniform arrive with flashlights and proceed to search the mommy van.  My son looks at me as if to say, “Mom, what did you do?”.
 
Flashback.  Communist Yugoslavia.  1985. I am pregnant with my son.  I am sitting in a police station, wondering if he will be born behind bars.  I have to pee.  I try not to vomit.  He kicks me hard, as if to say, “Mom, what have you done?”.  
 
Fear changes us. The proof is here in the middle of Vermont.  I always felt so lucky to be an American citizen; lucky, unafraid and humbled.  Then, 911, etc.  We are changed.  
 
Vermont.  The men find nothing.  We leave with a funny story.  Communist Yugoslavia.  We leave knowing that we are lucky Americans and we get to leave.
 
Flash forward.  June 2018.  This Vermont story no longer seems funny.  My son, in response to his post-911 America, is serving in the Air Force.  The fear in our nation has flourished. The border patrol is commonplace, we are building walls, we imprison or send away “others” and we rip children from parents’ arms.  We are lost.
 
FLOTUS says she really doesn’t care.  
 
I do.  Yes, I do, in answer to her question.
 
And I believe that with deep love, faith, compassion, awareness and right action, we will find our way back home.

Love for Love’s Sake
 
We loved for Love’s sake, unattached to the outcome, although when the unexpected separation came I was thrown into an emotional turmoil unlike any other, and had to go through the stages of grief before returning to Love.  Loving him united me with my Higher Self.  My Highest Self, and yours, is Love.

Love for Love’s sake.  There are no guarantees, and still we must love for love’s sake, and keep our hearts open…
 
The Realm of Joy and imagination
 
Go to the woods alone – stay there for awhile and become comfortable.  Magic happens!  Some things will happen in your imagination, which will light up as you play like a child, rooted and grounded and accompanied by the forest world.  Here you will find your stories.  Other beings will come to play with you – the owls and the deer if you are lucky.  They sense you – they know who you are and they check you out even before you are aware of their presence.  If you are lucky they will play with you.  I have a little friend who I met when he was very small and still had his spots.  He and his mother let me follow them for awhile and then he was spooked by a forest sound.  He ran to me instead of his mother.  I believe in my imagination that some kind of imprinting happened.  I would see him almost daily after that and we would hang out together.  His mother and father checked me out, too, and I got to be close to them in a way I am told is not the norm, but I think maybe it is the norm, we simply have lost touch with that aspect of our being.  But what is most astonishing is that, after having moved away and not seeing them in the months of winter, I revisited in early spring of the following year, and he seemed to remember me.  I followed the little group of deer for a few hours – this same group would let me get close the fall before but now they were skittish and stayed ahead.  I felt a sadness for having lost this sacred connection and finally decided to let them go.  I watched them disappear into the cloak of the forest, turned to leave, and there he was.  A yearling, 15 feet away – looking at me.  Energetically, I knew it was him.  My heart soared and we played!  I followed him and took many pictures.  He would turn and look to be sure I was following and if I stopped he would move towards me.  I had forgotten to turn off my phone and when it rang, a treasured call from my daughter living in France, instead of running he came closer, as if curious, and I chose not to answer, not without pain, but needing to stay connected to him.  After awhile it was getting colder and I realized I had lost a glove.  I told him good-bye for now, headed back following my own tracks in the snow, found my glove, and went to the water trail looking for birds.  An hour later, still in the forest, I turned a corner and there he was again, glancing at me from behind a fallen log!  I had never seen him down in this area before and I laughed heartily and once again began to follow him, this time up a steep incline – he went ahead but would stop and wait and watch me climb.  We went back into the deeper woods together and played some more.  He fills my heart with joy and I am humbled.
 
A few weeks ago I was at the Quabbin, just inside the woods on an old road after checking out a cellar hole, and three large coywolves ran straight towards me at full speed, each turning at the last minute and running on ahead.  I chose in the moment I first saw them to calm my heart and not be frightened, not send out those vibes though I might feel that afterwards, remembering how fierce they looked while running at me, and I tried to get a picture.  I got blurry photos of each one, each so powerful, and again, I am awestruck at these experiences.
 
We are brought back to Love.  Love for Love’s sake.  
 
“Where have you hidden, Beloved?
Why have you wounded my soul?
I went out to the wilderness calling for you
But you were gone.
 
Oh shepherd keeping your watch in the hills
If by chance you meet with my Love
Tell him I suffer in my lonely grief
And I soon shall die.
 
I have searched for my Love in the mountains
I have searched among the meadows and the fields
He has poured out a thousand graces in them
So my heart might be healed
But my heart is not healed.
 
Where have you hidden, Beloved?
Why have you wounded my soul?
I went out to the wilderness calling for you
But you were gone.”

These are words of a song written by John Michael Talbot.  I used to sing his songs in church and I got in trouble for it, but that is another story...

Do you know the power of Love?  We must open our hearts, and even in times of gut-wrenching loss we must keep our hearts open.  This is the only path to peace and empowerment.  It isn't easy, but it is worth it.  Open your heart!  Even still, keep your heart open.